better than others<\/a>, right? Maybe you\u2019ve had conversations that felt more like competitions. Everyone around the table is buzzing, yakking, and whispering. It\u2019s impossible to keep up, and it all feels scattered and shallow.<\/p>\nBut what if I told you there was one simple way to have discussions that validated everyone involved, made it possible to really connect, and removed all the stress of having to perform?<\/p>\n
Several years ago Gail and I had dinner with our friend Luci Swindoll. She told us there was only one rule at her table. What was it? \u201cWe have one\u2014and only one\u2014conversation at a time,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m glad I listened because Luci\u2019s one rule has totally transformed the way we do dinner conversations. And that one transformation has led to many others.<\/p>\n
The Power of One Conversation<\/h3>\n
A few weeks ago my team got away for several days to plan the new year. We rented a house in the country and the wife of one of our team members, Julie Cannon, catered breakfast, lunch, and dinner.<\/p>\n
The food was fantastic. But what was really amazing were the conversations we shared. At each meal we started off with one or two light but provocative questions. Without fail we waded into deep waters pretty quickly.<\/p>\n\n
One thread that stands out for me was about the challenges of staying connected with our spouses. Julie started us going. It was a powerful discussion\u2014and it might have never happened if everyone around the table weren\u2019t focused around one conversation.<\/p>\n
What You\u2019re Missing with Too Many Conversations<\/h3>\n
As I\u2019ve thought about the power of the One Conversation Rule, I\u2019ve identified a half dozen major benefits we can all experience by trying to follow it.<\/p>\n
\n- It gives everyone a chance to be heard.<\/strong> You know how it works. Usually, the most outgoing people run the table. Everyone else gets pushed to the margins, don\u2019t they? And even when they get the floor, side conversations make it impossible to be heard.\n
Having one conversation equalizes the introverts and extroverts. How? It helps draw introverts out and holds extroverts back. It\u2019s harder to get upstaged and downplayed when everyone is focused on sharing together.<\/p>\n<\/li>\n
- It validates and honors everyone.<\/strong> This relates to No. 1. In free-for-all dinner conversations some people get excluded. Maybe they have something super important to contribute, but they feel edged out.\n
Because having one conversation tends to be more inclusive, it also shows honor to all the participants and validates their contribution. That brings tremendous positivity and camaraderie.<\/p>\n<\/li>\n
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It sets stage for real connection.<\/strong> When everyone has a voice, there\u2019s a tremendous opportunity for real connection. By circling around just one conversation, everyone gets a chance to know each other and be known.<\/p>\nWhat I\u2019ve found is that it\u2019s also easier to steer discussions to meaningful subjects. When there\u2019s one conversation, you can ask the kind of questions that drive deeper consideration and engagement. And because everyone feels validated everyone can also risk being vulnerable.<\/p>\n<\/li>\n
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It develops listening skills.<\/strong> Great leaders ask great questions and serve as great listeners. Because there\u2019s no competition and the extra noise is muted, everyone gets a chance to really focus and grow as listeners.<\/p>\nIn free-for-all conversations, everyone vies for attention by being the most clever, humorous, snarky, whatever. That fractures the discussion. If you listen to the person on your right, you\u2019ll miss the joke on your left. The result is that no one is really paying attention to anyone.<\/p>\n<\/li>\n
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It takes the stress out of hosting.<\/strong> If you\u2019ve hosted dinner conversations, you know this is big. A good host is responsible to ensure everyone at the table feels welcome and valued. But that\u2019s exactly where things go awry if conversations get out of hand.<\/p>\nThe One Conversation Rule simplifies the whole process. A couple of really good open-ended questions is usually all it takes. (And here\u2019s a hint: Just ask your guests a question that lets them talk about themselves.) Suddenly you\u2019re free to lean back, sip your glass, and watch your guests enjoy the discussion. Why?<\/p>\n<\/li>\n
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It makes everyone feel comfortable.<\/strong> The One Conversation Rule provides just enough structure that people know where they fit. They know what\u2019s expected and don\u2019t feel the need to impress or grandstand.<\/p>\nThat kills the competitive attitude that easily arises and lets everyone just be themselves. And when we\u2019re discussing the most meaningful stuff in life, that\u2019s a game-changer.<\/p>\n<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
Here\u2019s a metaphor that might help. Sometimes we do conversations like a battle of the bands. Every act gets a shot to stand out and be noticed. Talent and volume are all that really matter.<\/p>\n
But the One Conversation Rule works more like a symphony. Everyone is engaged, sometimes simultaneously. But there\u2019s a place for each voice, and each voice adds to the total effect.<\/p>\n\t\t