health of our teams<\/a> is critically important to our success as leaders. Because of that, we need to put our egos on hold and be willing to take responsibility for whatever harm or hurt we\u2019ve caused.<\/p>\nWhat about harm we haven\u2019t actually caused? You know the expression, \u201cYou can be right or you can be happy?\u201d Keep it in mind as we look at the next few steps.<\/p>\n
Step 2: Don\u2019t Be Defensive<\/h3>\n
This is one of the most important lessons I\u2019ve ever learned. By taking the defensive posture, we\u2019re only preserving our egos, not our relationships. In fact, we\u2019re actually causing serious damage.<\/p>\n
Why? By defending ourselves, we\u2019re essentially abandoning those we\u2019ve hurt. We\u2019re saying, \u201cYou\u2019re on your own\u2014I didn\u2019t have anything to do with this,\u201d and leaving them to manage the pain and disappointment alone.<\/p>\n
Step 3: Avoid Ifs, Ands, or Buts<\/h3>\n
Now, there may be mitigating circumstances, reasons beyond our control for what happened. We all know this. But the middle of a crisis is usually not the best time to bring it up.<\/p>\n
Why? Because there\u2019s a fine line between explanation and excuse, and people in pain are likely to miss it.<\/p>\n
And let\u2019s be honest, we can miss it too. We might think we\u2019re explaining the circumstances when really we\u2019re just covering our rears. In the heat of the moment the distinction can get blurred.<\/p>\n
If you\u2019ll notice, steps two and three go back to the same fundamental problem. They deepen the division, not heal the breach.<\/p>\n
Step 4: Express Empathy<\/h3>\n
We can\u2019t leave our people dangling emotionally. This fourth step is when we lean back into the relationship by sharing the hurt. And this is what starts to close the breach.<\/p>\n
Our teams won\u2019t feel alone in the hurt if we identify with what they\u2019re feeling and share it. Instead they\u2019ll see (and hopefully feel) that we truly get the pain we\u2019ve caused and are present with them in it, rather than turning away to protect and console ourselves.<\/p>\n
Taking responsibility enables this step to occur. When we\u2019re defensive or passing the guilt, we\u2019re driving a wedge between us and our people.<\/p>\n
Step 5: Ask Forgiveness<\/h3>\n
Once the breach has been closed, it has to be sealed with forgiveness. But of course it takes more than asking. It takes an answer, and only our teams\u2014the people we\u2019ve hurt\u2014can do this part. We can take responsibility and lean in, but they have to honor that and reciprocate.<\/p>\n
This doesn\u2019t mean we\u2019re off the hook if they\u2019re unable to extend forgiveness. It only means more restorative work is needed.<\/p>\n
The good news is that if we value our people enough to work for that restoration instead of fighting to protect ourselves, they probably won\u2019t withhold it. It\u2019s in everyone\u2019s best interest to heal and get onto better things.<\/p>\n
I believe most relationships are easily fixed if we have the courage to stop defending our own egos. Anybody can damage a relationship. But it takes courage to fix one\u2014the courage to reach out beyond ourselves to the people we\u2019ve hurt.<\/p>\n\t\t